I am just happy.

 I am "just" a nurse. I am "just" a mom. I don't say that in a negative way. I truly mean it in a matter-of-fact way. In a positive, confident way, I am happy being a nurse and a mom. It wasn't until recently I felt true happiness to be just that. When I gave myself permission to be just a mom and just a nurse, I was able to be happy in the present. A weight was released, and I was able to start my life of happiness. 

I am not sure if there is irony in this, but it all hit me on my way home from the endocrinologist. I was in a place about the appointment. My endo doesn't usually point out my flaws of diabetes management because I do a mighty fine job of that on my own, but she did on this day. I spent the appointment defending myself, reassuring her that my numbers were shit because my insulin pump had fallen out of my chest pocket after work into literal dog shit. I have a new puppy at home. I can honestly say potty training the toddler was easier than this puppy. 

After my insulin pump failed and I spent 2 days self-managing my diabetes while taking shots (don't worry I am nearly 23 years into this disease, I have had pump failures before), I was forced to kind of start over in the science experiment that is my life. Hence, 3 weeks of shit blood sugar levels. I felt like garbage too. That was later explained by my thyroid levels being off. Not too shocking though because my little one is weaning off of breast feeding so my body is readjusting to a new normal. But this appointment brought all the feelings to the surface. Did I mention I brought my 10-month-old along for this appointment? Organized chaos is my life. 

When all the emotions flooded to the surface, I began to ponder on what my life was in the current moment. I needed to pull myself together to go home to get my graduate school homework done. The LAST thing that I wanted to do. So that's when I decided I wasn't going to do it. I dug deep, I tried to answer the question why was I going back to school? Why was I going to graduate school with 2 little ones, a hubby in college and a brand-new puppy at home? All good questions but the answers I came up with left me reflecting on what I really wanted. 

Reason one, to please my mom, because I spent my life trying to please my parents....mostly. My mom is a career woman, don't get me wrong she's a bomb ass mother but she loves her job, and she has a passion to do both at 1000% ALWAYS.  She was there for everything growing up. Every game, tournament, performance she could be found in the stands cheering us on while making her Christmas cards from scratch of course (she literally does it all). She doesn't sleep and I never knew how she did it. Afterall, she went to grad school when I was three and my little sister was one, while holding down a full-time job. But I know how she did it. PASSION and my dad does the laundry ;). She has a drive to do what she does because she loves what she does both as a leader in the hospital and a mom, outside it. She's incredible and she has large shoes to fill. She's like that big sister shadow I have lived in my whole life. Granted I put myself in that shadow, no one else did that to me. Not anymore. I am here to write my own chapter. She's taught me to do what I have a passion for and this year I learned it was different from her path. 

The other reason I was going to grad school, because it's the right time in my career to go back to school. It's this arbitrary number that I put in my mind because the hospital systems and nursing schools across this country say that it is time to go back to school. Further your education. Advance your career. Again, not enough of a reason. 

I LOVE what I do. I love both my career and my role as a mother. I have different ideas about being a mother than my mother did and that's ok. I also have different plans for my career in nursing and that's ok. The healthcare system is crumbling because of the last 2 years and while all these nurses are unhappy about where they are and what they're doing, I am not. That's how I know my true passion is at the bedside. Shame on the system for pushing education in such ways that cause nurses to leave in droves from the bedside. I decided that my goal this year is to read more research and educate myself more on things that will help me at the bedside. I have gained so much knowledge where I've worked the last 8 years but that's what is incredible about nursing, you can always learn more. I think that's what healthcare systems want; they want nurses with passion at the bedside to continue to educate themselves. But I don't have to go to graduate school to do that. 

As for being a mom. It's been a job that had the most drastic learning curve EVER. But, wow, have I learned about myself and grown as a person. I want to be that person for my boys. I want to raise strong boys, who love with every fiber of their being. I want to teach them life skills. I want to teach them to love themselves and treat themselves with respect, so that they can provide that same respect to others. My hubby and I have joked that my role as the Chief Operating Officer of our home has grown. I want to be that one that everyone can rely on. I enjoy giving, that's my passion. Running our household has become a joy because I don't have pointless discussion posts to type up or constant stress about what my research topic will be about. This allows me to enjoy floor time with the kids and teach them to live in these moments together. 

Give yourself permission to be happy. You won't regret it. Don't let anyone else write your story for you. Take command of your life. What is your passion? I still don't love the phrase: find something you love to do and call it work because if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life. Being a nurse is hard work. Being a mom is hard work. But I will say, now that I have given myself permission to live in the moment and love it, I am enjoying so much more that life has to offer.