COVID tested me

 It was the worst migraine of my life. It was the second day that week that I had woken up with congestion but this time it didn't resolve after an hour. I wanted to lay there forever but like a Mother and diabetic must do, I got to the day ahead. I went for our daily walk and I just didn't feel good nor could I breathe well. When that test came back positive I literally couldn't believe it. I really thought it was a cold. Then the puzzle pieces fell into place. I wear my mask everywhere so I know that it wasn't out and about but I was stumped about where I contracted it. Lunch time. It's the one time at work I don't have a mask on and honestly it was more my snack time (I work weird hours). An asymptomatic co-worker tested positive and that is where they are guessing that it happened. 

Missing work was not in the cards but there is no option. They don't take responsibility for the toddler so my work as Mom was not halted. My husband who already works from home continued to do so symptom free. Thank goodness for him. Therefore, I couldn't stop being mom during the day while he was at his home office; however, he was an incredible support on his off hours. I never would have made it. I did contact my endocrinologist and she supported me with sick day reminders and to watch for abdominal pain and signs of DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis). 

The next few days were brutal. I think the saying "knowledge is power" is false here. It was crippling. I had visions of being in the hospital as a diabetic and what that would look like. What if I had to get intubated? Intubation drugs would surly affect that positive pregnancy test from the week prior to my COVID test. I don't want investigational drugs unless there is nothing else on the table for me. It just doesn't sound like a great idea. My mind swarmed with scenarios. I talked with my husband about a tracheostomy and the only reason I would be ok with one would be to give me time to heal from COVID because it is working in many of our patients. However, I would want to be intubated for a while first to make sure I would fail without a trach. That was different to prior conversations we had about end of life. I never wanted a trach before COVID. Never. 

So during those racing thoughts in my head, I had bleeding. In my mind it was the start of another miscarriage. Due to the nature of COVID and the clotting issues people are having it can affect the blood flow through the small vessels to the placenta. No placenta. No baby. I went into a deep dark hole that night. COVID took the hope for another baby away from me and I was angry. I was mad at another loss of pregnancy for the year. I was ANGRY with God. Why did it have to happen to me again. I was miserable. I was numb. I felt like a zombie. The bleeding was short and there wasn't the same cramps like there were in May. I was hopeful but not too hopeful because I had already mourned the loss. 

It was a week in and I literally thought I would rather be dead then alive that day. I had chills, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. I don't think I moved from the couch and felt the weight of mom guilt STRONGLY suffocate me. The following day I was to go get blood work to see if my body was still pregnant and I just didn't know if I would make it. 

An hour and a half. That is how long it took me to get labs drawn, I have the plague. I am not wanted at the facility. According to my work it has been long enough that I can return to work if I am symptom free but I can't be symptom free if I can't attribute the vomiting to pregnancy and I can't do that without a blood test. 

It's funny really. People walk around like they haven't a care in the world. No mask is necessary but now they know that you have it and you have been banned from ever seeing them again. You know it is the responsibility of the COVID positive patient to remain at home and quarantine. It's not like house arrest where the department of health is notified when you leave your front lawn. And not everyone that is positive knows that they are positive hence the individual that I likely got it from. So this is why masks are so important. You just can't trust your fellow American anymore and that makes me sick. 

Now I am feeling great and finally get cleared by the department of health to go out and join the universe again but why do I still feel like I have the plague? People are hesitant about me being at their table but I am questioning wanting to be at theirs. I will be honest, I survived this and I NEVER want to live through it again so I don't want to be at your table. I don't want to be locked away for days without end. I draw energy from people. That means that I need physical contact with people. I need to talk to people. Thank you to all those that reached out, texted, brought food, called and prayed. It was a few of the loneliest weeks of my life and I needed that support but now I need my people. 

COVID didn't kill me or my baby. So now I am in the market for a strong baby name. Anyone have any ideas?