Let's be real...COVID is still testing me

My last post was titled COVID tested me as if it was a past tense thing. It's so funny to post a title and then chuckle to myself because I knew it wasn't true. It didn't take long for work to show me how much more COVID has been testing me and continues to test me. 

Let me be honest, COVID is still testing me. 

I stood there shoulder to shoulder with my co-workers as we watched the life leave his body. The flashing red on his monitor normally initiates the hysteria that Hollywood plays up, it's called a code. Tonight my eyes welled up with tears because I knew he wore a purple band around his wrist to signify NO CPR. He knew pushing on his chest would be futile but he had given me a glimmer of hope and it faded in that instant. 

I balled the whole drive home. I wanted to punch a wall I was so angry. He was with us for at least 3 weeks and I was privileged to care for him during his time with us. It was the start of the worst month this year because we were losing some of the fighters, the ones that give us hope, the amazing humans, the ones with the good hearts that said please and thank you, the ones that made you smile even though they were sick. 

As a COVID ICU nurse, walking around with a healthy baby growing inside me (thank the LORD up above) I am TIRED. I am TIRED of this pandemic. I am TIRED of the conflict it's bringing between fellow Americans. I am TIRED of watching people's loved ones die while only being able to offer a comforting voice over the telephone rather than a giant hug while at the side of their dying loved ones bed. I'm TIRED of the debate of whether this pandemic is killing only those with comorbidities because I can tell you FIRST HAND it is KILLING ANYONE. It is just randomly deciding who lives and who dies. I am TIRED of praying about this pandemic because God is continuing to test my faith. He is giving us miracles and of that I can also tell you FIRST HAND but they feel like needles in this hay stack lately. I am TIRED of hearing the lack of empathy, sympathy and love we have for our fellow Americans. We as a country are disappointing me. I believe we as Americans need to fight together for better. We need to listen to others concerns. Listening requires our 2 ears to hear rather than our 1 mouth to interrupt. There is a reason God gave you 2 of them. This year has been a year of CRUCIAL conversations and I promise it hasn't been easy. 

I recently watched a co-worker get ridiculed in the hallway by a family member who didn't make it to the hospital in time before their loved one died. She ridiculed my colleague because she was supposed to give them a call so they had enough time. We do NOT know the hour or the minute or the second of when it will happen. But I promise you, we HAVE TOLD YOU! We have told you over and OVER again. We have given you months to make the right choices. To stay home rather than go to the rally. To stay safe rather than venture into a room full of people because you have fear of missing out. I promise you that you will have the worst fear of missing out when I cry next to your loved one as they are passing. As another one, whom we have bonded with and poured our blood, sweat and tears into, doesn't make it. I promise you in that moment you will have no more fear of missing out of the party. or the get together. or the thing you just can't say no to. What did my co-worker do after this family member, who we know was hurting with their own loss, do next? Her head sank to her chest and she stepped off the unit to a stairwell to cry. My head hung with her because she did everything she could. She did call the family. She did sit for an hour with the patient as she breathed her last. She showed a love like no other. And yet we are defeated. We are tired. We want to save them all and if we could we would. We are doing everything in our power. 

I am TIRED of this disease. I am TIRED of people without an ounce of hospital experience telling us how it is. If I could legally wear a camera for 12 hours I would but I promise you, you couldn't handle it. So please listen to me, it's real. it is very REAL. Whether it's killing people with or without other health issues, it is killing people. It is hurting people. It is changing the lives of people. When a newly diagnosed diabetic came in with COVID that hit home for me. My heart went out to him. 

I just pray you don't have to find out what it's like to lose someone during this pandemic because death is death but death while your loved one holds my hand rather than yours (because we believe no one dies alone) will only make their death worse for you and more stress for my shoulders to carry. I love what I do but COVID is testing my strength every day. I pray for strength to make it 13 hours to the end of my day so I can go home and hug my loved ones (after a shower of course;)). I know that this test will only make my empathy for others stronger. This test will develop my skills to bring life to my patient's day even when I am struggling with my own. This test will take me to new heights in my nursing career. But I am still looking forward to saying remember that year when.....